Saint Joseph School

I sat in the park in Galaxy and retied my shoelaces. I had them done all wrong, the bows were more front to back than side to side, and messed up shoelaces always bothered me. Well, maybe not always. But if I looked down and they just happened to look all uneven, I'd fix them. Dr. Conrad once told me he thought it gave me something to concentrate on. Over, under, around, through, careful not to break the strings. He said it was my way of showing myself I had control over something if I was in an uncomfortable situation. Personally, I think I just don't like to have messed up laces, but whatever.

So yeah, I sat in the park, waiting for Tony, wondering when exactly it was that I swallowed the mess of butterflies that flitted around my stomach like there was no tomorrow. It was Tony. This was goofy, I was being goofy. I mean, this was my idea in the first place. Homecoming got me to thinking about last year's homecoming, and that was about the time me and him started hanging out. Not just going skating, but being buddies. A year since we sat at the fire pit and talked until curfew about anything, everything and nothing all at the same time. I mean, we had to do something to celebrate, right?

"You know, I've never once jumped into a big pile of leaves before," he pointed out. I guess it makes sense, I mean, the guy comes from California, and they don't really get fall there as a season. They get September, October and November but it's not like here or in Memphis where leaves change color and fall off the trees, and the air gets this crispness in it that makes you want to wear a cozy sweater and a pair of jeans. So we had to go. Sure he's seventeen and I think I gave up on leaf diving somewhere around fifth grade when Teddy Winston scratched up his cornea on a twig that got mixed in the pile, but Tony heals really quick, just in case.

I tacked on the part about a picnic. Okay, so maybe a lot of my life revolves around food, but that's not entirely it. Part of me wanted to take advantage of being able to eat outside in the one time of year where ants wouldn't be an issue, part of me wanted to take advantage of the weather before it got so cold that inside was the only option. Honestly? The majority of me wanted to suggest a reason for us to spend more time hanging out together. I think about him a lot. I think about us a lot. I think a lot about what he said that night at the beach when I went to see him in California.

“Sam, I think I’m in love with you.” It kinda caught me off guard, and part of me didn't believe it. I didn't really start to think on it seriously 'til I was waving goodbye from my window seat on the 727. And it was sorta funny. I picked up the phone about half a dozen times the first night I was home, mentally rehearsing what I wanted to say, but I knew once he answered I'd be all incoherent and he'd think I was loopy or would figure I got hit in the head and worry or something. We talked the next day instead, and everything was cool. I told him about my flight, no snakes. He told me I was champion of the running joke. We laughed and talked and listened, and everything was just perfect. We'd talk about it when he got back to Paragon.

I guess it was a few weeks later, me and Diego split. There were a dozen reasons why, I mean, we're kids. The timing was wrong, we were from different worlds so to speak, Bryan came back and I realized I had no idea what I wanted and it wasn't fair to drag other people into my mess. It was complicated. I wanted to make everyone happy and all I succeeded in doing was making everyone miserable. I was miserable. I made Ves miserable and Bryan miserable and hurt Diego. And Tony... I started tripping over my words and I never tripped up with Tony before. Back a year ago, he sat at the fire pit and called me his buddy and said I was safe, not his type, even. He didn’t have to worry about me, and I said the same words back. Just friends.

I don't know when it changed. I don't know if it changed, maybe he's just feeling what I felt when he first started seeing Elly. I mean, sure I was happy for him on account of he seemed happy, and really that's what I want most for him. He's an amazing guy, he deserves it. But it's like I think I was scared of things between me and him changing. I figured he was worried about the same thing, like maybe he thought that I replaced him. But I didn't. I couldn't. I remembered I didn't want to lose the wingman who suffered through the Spring Fling with me just because I didn't want to be harassed by Charlie Miller all night. Tony never made me feel like that, not ever, and it wasn't even like he was going out of his way. We were always just us. Maybe he just needed time to realize the same.

But here's the thing. Ever since he came back from California, I feel like I've been stringing him along, not giving him any real answers. At least if I told him there was no chance between us, he could go and maybe find someone else, but I couldn't lie to him. Not when he'd always been so honest to me. I didn't want to push him away, saying, "I don't think of you like that" - because I'd be lying. I have been thinking about him and it and us since July.

“So this thing on Saturday, you wanna call it a y’know. A date?” I jammed my hands in my varsity jacket pockets, and I stared at the small metal spiral in his eyebrow, wanting to avoid eye contact. Instantly the scowl he'd been trying to hide from me went away, replaced by something I couldn't really put my finger on. I mean, I couldn't really figure out what I was feeling, let alone try and read him.

“Are you sure?” He asked, sounding a little surprised. Last chance to back out, Sam. Last chance. You can pretend you were just joking, or say no, you're not sure, say something, anything. But instead I nodded. I didn't want to back out. It felt like that moment when you'd stand on top of a ramp, that split second before you dropped in, not sure if you'd go big or face plant. But he said everything would be fine between us no matter what, and I believed him. As scared as I was about messing things up, I felt relieved, sort of like when you put your suitcase down, and you don't realize how much the handle was digging into your hand until that very second. I think that's what it was. I didn't realize how heavy the suitcase had gotten until I went and dropped it. Mr. Carson says I gotta work on my metaphors.

A date. No strings, nothing has to change, I told him that too. We can decide if we're better off just friends, or we can see if it'll work, whatever "it" is. I sat there with my messed up shoelaces, and my fingers drummed in time with the butterflies until Tony loomed around the corner. His brown eyes crinkled just a bit in the corners as he looked at me, and I smiled back. I wondered if he was as nervous as I was, what was going through his mind, but most importantly, what was going to happen next.

Due to formatting constraints, part 2 of can be found on the SJS wiki:

"Like That," part 2

Time flies - and it's not just some cliche saying, it really does, especially when you want nothing more than for it to slow down. I don't want to think about June, and it keeps creeping closer. I mean, it's January already, three months since that day in the park, where me and Tony had our first official date. I still think back on it and smile. I mean, it's just so hard not to be happy about how everything worked out.

I love waking up and checking my phone to see if he sent me a late night text. He does that sometimes when he can't sleep. I love how his face lights up when our eyes meet in the hallway, washing away his groggy I-hate-mornings look. I love being with him. We've become exclusive. He said he's not interested in seeing other girls, and I couldn't picture myself with anyone else.

We went to the Sadie Hawkin's dance together, our first dance when neither of us was just there to play wing man. I wore something short, and he gave me "that look," the one that made my ears go red and would start up the butterflies all over again. We danced close all night. I sort of remember other people being there.

I went home with him for Thanksgiving. It was nice to get out of Paragon for a holiday, even if I did miss Ves and Bryan and Artie. All of us would usually go out to dinner somewhere all dolled up. We said grace and what we were thankful for, and our only "rule" was that nobody moped. But Thanksgiving in California was great. Tony's mom is an incredible cook, and his family was too funny for words. Mostly I watched football with the guys, and worried about drinking wine out of those glasses with the tiny, breakable stems. His Aunt and Uncle flew out - the ones who live in New York. That's who we go see and stay with every other weekend when Tony has to go to New York to do his Starshot thing. We take the tram to Providence, then catch this shuttle that goes right into the 8th Street station in New York. It's like the worst area you could imagine, but it's not really like me and him are worried. Only thing I'd feel bad about would be if someone went and tried to steal my bag and Ves wasn't there for it.

That's about it in a nutshell. Tony is still Tony and I'm still Sam, and it's cake. The rest - dating and hand-holding and the way he kisses me and makes me feel- that's all icing. Sweet icing, the buttercream kind you get from bakeries with little roses decorating it. Sure, cake is great on its own, and I love cake, but the frosting makes a good thing even better.

I knew before I started going out with Tony that he was way more experienced than me. It was one of my big worries, actually, that he was used to Elly and Bethany and that girl at the St. Pats party, and I'm not like that, I'm like Sam. Sleeping with someone - that was like a big step, you know? And not sleeping sleeping, I mean, I fell asleep on the sofa next to him more than once when we went to New York, and his parents were cool with me staying in his room with him when I went to California, which totally took a night or two of getting used to, seeing as Teddy Winston's mom back in Memphis made us leave the door open since we turned five and she caught us playing doctor. Funny part was, we were just playing doctor. We were pretending Teddy busted his arm, there was no "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." But yeah, I can remember her saying "Don't you go getting her pregnant" long before we knew how to get pregnant even.

"I can't take it." Tony told me one night, with a half-serious whimper as he shuffled back to his dorm. Three months without sex must seem like forever in guy time. He never gave me a hard time though. And besides, he was going home for Christmas that week, and I'd be staying in Paragon. He'd be at his grandmother's, and he said he'd be better off solo, Bryan said he'd be around, so even with Ves leaving with Jake, I wouldn't be alone. I figured I'd grab a group of kids, find something to do. I knew I'd miss him like crazy, but that'd just make it better when he got back.

So anyway, I guess I can't blame myself too much for bein' a little wary when he decided to work on this new dress concept with Bethany. I had no problem with that per say, only turns out the meeting was gonna be in a bar. So yeah, she wants to be a designer too, and it's cool, because I know I'd do anything for a buddy myself; I was prepared to go to hell and back for Billy if I needed to. And if was just that, go celebrate the end of the semester, check out whatever she was working on, collaborate on something he could show Starshot, I wouldn't have thought twice. Jealousy isn't my thing. I have a lot of guy friends, I have no trust issues, and besides, it's Tony. All he has to do is smile at me and I still get butterflies and I know how much he loves me. But this time, I had this little nagging feeling that nipped at my brain like Teddy Winston's puppy used to do to the hem of my jeans. Why? Tony had told me half a dozen times he didn't think with his upstairs brain when drinking. I knew about Jenny, St. Pats was still hazy, and I saw how he acted with me just the night before when I helped him sober up. And it was Tony. Tony could hook up if he really wanted to, easily. I mean, if he worried about self control when drinking, then, I think I was sort of right to worry about him going to have a bunch of drinks with someone he used to sleep with.

So I spent the night he went out holed up in my room, not much feeling like hanging out. I told Aura I had a stomach thing. She had said I looked like I swallowed a bug, and I had to make something up quick. I hate lying, but then I really wasn't completely lying, seeing as my stomach did feel sick, like there was some sort of knot in there that kept getting tighter. That totally qualified as a stomach thing in my mind. She flitted about and offered me something that smelled like a combination of sweat socks and candy cane, then chirped at me until I agreed to give it a try. It tasted every bit as bad as you can imagine it would, but I couldn't complain - it made the ceiling tiles go hazy and I was out like a light.

When I woke up, I had a text message on my phone. Two words, <<Love You!>> The same two words I woke up to near every morning, and I found myself half smiling, half wanting to cry. I swallowed hard, not knowing what the hell I was feeling. Aura offered me another batch of sock medicine, so I perked up and swore up and down I was fine.

It was a brand new phone, I could have easily crushed it what with my nerves being all on edge. Normally, I'm not insecure, not about much, I like me just fine as is, and if anyone wants to give me crap for it, s'there loss, 'cause I make for a damn good buddy. If anything, that's what this would be. His loss. I could deal. I'm a tank.

<<Me too>> I texted back. A squishy, squishy tank.

I avoided him all day, I couldn't even say why, seeing as it was totally possible nothing happened. In fact I was sure of it, yet I stayed away from all the places we usually met up. All day I missed the brief encounters, missed sneaking hugs in the hallway only to have nuns materialize outta nowhere telling us to leave room for the holy ghost. I missed him.

Finally, we ran into each other after last period, and he pulled me under the stairwell for a glad-to-see-me kiss.

"What's wrong?" He asked, picking up instantly on my mood. I just shrugged, jamming my hands in my pockets. "Gonna miss me?" He guessed. Yeah. Psychic, he was not.
"It's going to seem like forever." He continued, burying his face in my hair. His hands roamed down my back and he let out another half in-jest self pitying grumble.
"It's just..." I started, unsure of what I wanted to say.
"Mmm?" He replied, lazily resting his forehead against mine. His eyes crinkled at the corners, and a crooked grin crossed his face. It was the same look he had that day in the park, and every day since. The one that put butterflies in my stomach and let me know he loved me and wanted me, the one that made me angry at myself for mistrusting him. Tony wouldn't mess around with anyone else. He'd never hurt me, not ever.
"I love you too." I said with a smile, my top teeth sinking slightly into my bottom lip. He growled playfully this time, giving me another familiar look along with a more meaningful kiss. This time, I closed my eyes and felt it for real.

I never thought I could miss anyone as much as I missed Tony over Christmas break. I mean, it wasn't all bad. Bryan was around, he and I went to this indoor water park over in Providence. Leave it to Bryan. The place was pretty packed, seeing as all the kids were off school and stuff, but we still managed to have a blast. It was good to get away, just for the day, be kids, do normal things. I think B needed it every bit as much as I did, and I made a mental note to organize a group trip there before winter was over. Tony would've had a great time. It was like some sort of rain forest inside, all hot and muggy from all the water, and it was a shock to our systems after trudging through sludge and snow just to get there.

But aside from that, the ten days dragged. Tony called near every night, and I texted him first thing every morning, and we both found time to e-mail occasionally, passing pictures back and forth. Part of me had to laugh- it was just 10 days, but the rest of me near wanted to cry. June would be here in the blink of an eye, Tony'd graduate. We both danced around the subject a lot. I want him to go where he wants to go, you know? I mean, the selfish part of me wants him to go here. RISU or something, just one year, until I graduate. I really don't see myself going to college. There's no point. I love High School, but that's just because of my friends and football and because I can pass out Milky Way bars in the hallway and everyone gives me a smile in return. College, that's all different. I can't really play sports, not football anyway. And it's not even like I want football to be a career or anything. I don't know what I want to do, all I know is I want to be happy, and Tony- he makes me happy, happier than I've ever been, without even trying.

I love going to New York with him. We go every other weekend, it's part of his Starshot deal. We catch the bus out of Paragon, it takes us right into New York, and we stay at his Aunt and Uncle's place. It's not like my dad minded. Maybe he did, but he'd never say anything. I'd like to think he trusts me, trusts my judgement, rather than think he lets me get away with a lot on account of he feels guilty, him being in jail and not being able to be there for me. Or maybe he feels bad because of everything that happened before he went to jail. I tried not to dwell on either. He's a good guy, my Dad, I think he'd like Tony. It'd probably take him a bit to get over the piercings. I remember this one time when Teddy Winston came home with a diamond stud in his ear, and my dad told him it looked real nice, then asked if his momma was going to make him a dress to go with it. But once he got past that, I'm sure he'd like Tony a lot.

I paced the airport waiting for his plane to land, and the scene that unfolded cause a lot of the passengers to say "awwww!" collectively, as if it'd been more like 2 years instead of 2 weeks since I'd seen him last. We talked non-stop in the cab ride back to St. Joes, even though we'd spoke that morning, just catching up. I wanted to hear everything about California and the weather and the crew, he wanted to hear about Paragon and the kids at St. Joes, but most of all I was happy to sit in the back seat with his arm around my shoulder, stealing a quick kiss now and again because it's not like the cabbie cared.

I offered to let him get some sleep when we got back, but he wanted to hang out. "I slept in California." He told me. "But I didn't get to hang out with you." We went and got coffee and sat on a couch way in the back, both just happy for the company.

"I missed this." He told me as we cuddled close. The place was still pretty empty, Tony had come back the Wednesday before New Years, and most of the college age kids who hung out there were still home for the holidays, or gearing up for winter recess classes.

"I missed you." I returned, tracing my finger around the kneecap of his Starshot pants. "But just think, we got New York next weekend to catch up."

"Yeah. About New York..." He began tentatively, his hand clamping down on mine. I shot him a confused look, and mentally prepared myself to hit up Aura for my stomach again later that night.

I didn't go back to my room, not right away. Aura and Cait and Jo might have been there, and truth be told, I didn't really feel like talking to them, to anyone. Not even Ves, she's always been my BFF at SJS, but truth be told, I had no idea what I'd say. Instead, I went and sat in the empty lounge, curled up in one of the chairs meant for reading or watching tv or just entertaining friends from the outside. I hugged a throw pillow to my chest and stared at the image on the screen, not really caring or paying attention to what was on.

Tony and I could talk about anything, right? We always did, it's one of the reasons we became friends in the first place. We'd sit for the firepit and hours would just fly by. He understands me, not that I was all that complex, but he took the time to get to know the parts that were complex, things I didn't discuss with just anyone. But that night when we'd talked, I wished I was anywhere but there. I half wished he was still in California. I couldn't even quite put my finger on what I was feeling.

No pressure, he said, he didn't want to pressure me, and except for that one time he was drunk he never did pressure me. Tony was always quick to back off, it was just something we didn't really talk about - how far, when, that sort of thing. So that night, we talked.

"I don't mean to rush you, or pressure you, or anything, but I'm going to have to get some soon, from somewhere." At first I thought I misheard him. Like maybe he was talking about coffee or ice cream or something. But here was the kicker, before we talked, I was ready. I wanted the same thing. But hearing it put that way? All right, I get what he was saying. He'd never go behind my back- that was the point. He thought about it, but didn't act on it. I dunno. I wanted to because he's my best friend and because I love him with everything, and because it was just the next step, in my heart it felt right. Then we went and talked, and suddenly I felt like I wanted to just so I wouldn't lose him.

And here's the thing. Everyone thought we were anyway. I just didn't think it would be planned out or anything. Like it would just happen when it happened and it'd be fine, and there wouldn't be this whole project or whatever. Like in the movies. Guy look at girl, girl looks at guy, fade to black.

I gripped at the pillow. Times like this sucked. I needed advice and had no where really to go for it. Ves? She'd be pissed at Tony. I don't want that. I wasn't mad at Tony, how can you be mad at someone for what they feel? The other person I always went to for advice was Tony himself, and that was right out.

But I'd said what I wanted to, told him how *I* was feeling, for the most part. And he said he loved me, no matter what, he'd be fine with it. No pressure. And it just sorta clicked - that feeling that I'd be fine too.

New Years had popped into my head. I think the awkwardness of the conversation me and Tony had made me nervous, and when that happens, I tend to talk- a lot. It's like I can't handle the silence. My wall of words, that's what Eddie used to call it. Say enough that you don't really say anything. Tony could see through it too, but I think he was also glad for the distraction. Somewhere between talking about missing him for Christmas and our next New York trip, I brought it up. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, really. I thought about organizing a get-together here, throwing a party maybe where we all watch Ryan Seacrest try to fill Dick Clark's shoes and count down to midnight. We could toast with Ginger-Ale and Sparkling Cider, and sing that Aud Lang Syne song, even though no one really knows the words. Something about a cup of cheer or whatever, and what's really cheery about a cup of Candada Dry? I'm not a big drinker, but I'll be 17 soon, for once it'd be great to toast the New Year with a glass of champagne. A real glass, not the plastic throw-away kind the nuns would set out that were supposed to make the ginger-ale more festive.

So I just sorta said it, and he got this smile and said how his Aunt and Uncle had some high brow party in the Mariot, overlooking Times Square. The place would be ours.

No matter what happened, we'd be fine, in fact - most of me was really looking forward to the trip.