She was already in the auditorium, swirls of dust and curtain fiber imprinted on her skirt. Francis Cross had the vague impression that the clown-suit feeling of her cheer uniform would serve it's purpose today more than usual.
She glanced up at the clock. The sounds the the rapidly filling theater echoed throughout the back stage. She was sure that almost the entire school had turned out. Then again, the promise of public humiliation often did that.
She pulled out the index cards that had her announcements, took a deep breath, almost gagged on the dust a second time, and stepped out onto the stage.
"Hello SJS and welcome to the 2008 Talent Show!" She did her best to shout without coughing.
"It's that time again. Time to watch your fellow classmates put those locker room pranks to good use. We've got a full group today just waiting to entertain you. So, put your hands, paws, or whatever else it is you have together for our first performance!"
The talent show cranks out with an act that really gets the audience fired up. A group of black-clad students does a live-action interpretation of TETRIS which, for some reason, and despite its amateurish prop content, has people shaking with hysterical laughter before it is over.
As the group leaves the stage, transition is provided by a person dressed as Pac-Man running through the auditorium screaming, a ghost hot on his heels.
As the crowd settled down from the impromptu live-action Pac Man game, Matthew Lamport took to the stage.
"Hi everybody! And happy Easter!"
Happy Easter indeed, and Matthew was truly decked out for it. He was wearing pastel blue overalls with a pastel yellow shirt. Scattered haphazardly about the clothing were sewed on Easter egg designs in a multitude of bright colors. To top it all off, he was carrying a bright pink Easter basket.
"Well, not yet happy Easter because it's not yet Easter, but Easter's coming and that's why I'm here! I'm the Easter Bunny!" With that, Matt did an absurd little flourish. "Okay, well, I'm not the real Easter Bunny obviously, but don't tell the kids that! I'm actually working part time over at the mall in Steel Canyon as an Easter Bunny, and this is my work outfit! They let me borrow it for the talent show, though. Oh! Right, talent!"
Matt set down the basket in front of him, then pulled out four Easter eggs.
"An Easter Bunny has to know how to handle Easter eggs, right? So, like, I'm going to juggle them! Because only an Easter Bunny could possibly juggle Easter eggs skillfully, right?"
Laughing at his own humor, Matt started to throw the eggs up in the air one at a time. Quite readily, he got them all hopping around hand to hand in a splendid basic four-egg juggle.
"Now, I bet some of you in the front row are worried that I'll slip and have an Easter egg go flying at you and then you'd be covered in egg yolk and who wants to be--" Matt cut himself off for a moment as he lunged to the right to grab an egg that went a bit far out of reach, then got his juggle back in control again. "Be... be... what was I saying? Oh! Right! Yolk! Well, if it did happen to do that I guess I could say the yolk's on you but I can't! Of course I can't! Because they're Easter eggs and everybody knows Easter eggs are always hard boiled, right?"
He grinned widely and then shifted the juggling some. Now, instead of both hands working together to cycle all four eggs, he was juggling two eggs with each hand independently. Though perhaps not quite as visually impressive, it clearly was taking a bit more coordination on Matt's part.
"Of course, it'd probably suck to have a hard boiled egg slam into your forehead too, but not to worry! I'm an Easter Bunny! So of course they aren't going to hit you because they're completely under my control!"
Having said this, one of the eggs missed his hand and fell to the ground with a crack-smush sound. "Ack!" The distraction was enough that the other three eggs quickly followed suit. Crack-smush! Crack-smush! Crack-splat! The first three eggs each left a minimal mess, having been properly hard boiled. But the last...
"Um, heh, I guess I didn't cook that one all the way. Oh! But not to worry! That's why Easter Bunnies keep lots of grass in their baskets!"
And with that, Matt quickly scrubbed up the eggy mess with a handful of grass from his basket, then did a splendid bunny hop off the stage to make way for the next act.
As the Matt cleaned the stage, Frankie came out to introduce the next act. “Thank you Matt! Up next, for your listening pleasure, we have the musical stylings of Tony Kite and Bryan Baxter.”
The auditorium responded in applause, and as the emcee left the stage the performing duo appeared from off stage. Bryan and Tony were wearing black tuxedos and together the boys pushed a black baby grand piano onto the stage. They positioned the piano in an unusual manner; the bench faced out to the crowd, so that the player could look out into the audience.
The gathered students looked on quietly as the boys finished positioning the piano. The pair moved to the front of the stage. They bowed to the audience simultaneously; they rose and spoke to the crowd.
“Good afternoon, Saint Joe’s! This afternoon we will be playing a collection of classical music from the great composers of the world,” Bryan began.
“We hope you enjoy. Thank you,” Tony finished.
Again the boys bowed in an over exaggerated manner and they moved to their positions behind the keys. Sitting down on the bench side by side, Bryan and Tony began pounding away at the keys. A horrible tune resounded from the black instrument, the obvious lack of any musical talent from the boys was painfully clear. Sporadic laughter and a few jeering voices came from the crowd in response to the awful concerto.
The duo then ceased hammering at the keys; the silence was greeted with more laughter. The two then looked at one another and shared a rehearsed nod. Suddenly, Tony and Bryan sprung from their shared seat. The performers then reached down and with a loud sound of Velcro ripping, they ripped off the black pants they had both been wearing. They tossed the clothing onto the wooden stage, and a spotlight shone under the piano as the two then pulled down their boxers. The light showed clearly the fabric pooled around their ankles.
Laughter and cheers erupted as the two raised their hands high above their heads and both began moving up and down on their toes. The sound of “Chopsticks” then began being played perfectly in time with their movements.
The pair’s suggestive piano performance was cut short as Sister Salvation charged onto the stage; Tony spotted here first and nudged Bryan to alert him. The pair then headed off stage in the opposite direction, the piano music still playing as they left, revealing the second pair of boxers each was wearing that were hidden from view.
Bryan Baxter (Codename: Gravwarp)
Gravity Control / Force Field / Fire Mastery
"Caveat Emptor"
